How to Feel Sexy…When you’re a mom of young children
As a young adult, I took pride in my appearance. I was thin and cute with a pretty outgoing personality. I worked in the salon industry where beauty and fashion was vital. When you work in the beauty industry, customers look up to you for inspiration. My hair was always done. Although my skin was never perfect, my makeup was always “on-point”. I was never a nail person so my nails were seldom painted but they were shaped and looked decent. My outfits always expressed my personality, minimalistic and edgy. I actually wore jewelry and color coordinated my purses with my outfits. I looked good, felt good, and received compliments….I felt sexy.
Fast-forward a few years…I got pregnant with twins. My skin FREAKED OUT due to hormonal changes. I had such bad acne on my chin area, neck, and chest that I would wear turtlenecks, scarves, and hats to hide (luckily this was winter so I didn’t really stand out). I gained a good amount of weight. I went from 113 lbs to over 160 (I stopped checking once I hit that mark). I felt fat, swollen, and the opposite of sexy. Sex was actually the last thing on my mind. I mean who would want to have sex when you feel so bad about yourself.
After my twins were born, with the help of breastfeeding (you burn an extra 500 calories a day by breastfeeding, just FYI), and running I lost the pregnancy weight pretty quickly. My skin took a while to recover though. Eventually, I saw a dermatologist who prescribed me topical acne creams and antibiotics, which definitely made a difference in my acne. My saggy skin around my abdomen was still loose from where my children were once cradled. My stretch marks were never excessive, I creamed and oiled daily. Considering the fact that I’m young, my skin is still pretty elastic. However, I still didn’t feel sexy. I didn’t have my body back yet and my confidence was completely gone.
Caring for babies on a daily basis, 24/7 is not a sexy thing either. Let’s take a moment and talk about how unsexy it really is:
- Sleep deprivation…not only makes you crazy (meaning bitchy, emotional, moody), but also makes you look like sh*t. Bags under your eyes, your skin looses its glow, you just look tired, you feel tired…the only thing you want to do is sleep…good ol’ uninterrupted sleep. Babies typically wake up every 4 hours to be fed, for the first few months.
- Babies get messy…spit up in on your clothes, in your hair; vomit on your clothes, and sometimes in your hair; poo also gets on your clothes and literally everywhere (diapers leak). I remember one time my brother in law was holding one of my girls on his chest, rubbing her back, up and down. My daughter has a massive explosive poo, it was leaking out of her diaper. My husband and I just sat back and watched as my brother in law smeared the poo all over (he didn’t notice at first, not until things got a little moist). So imagine how a stay at home mom feels when she is covered in spit up or when her boobs are leaking (milk). Not sexy for sure.
- Daily childcare…the hours are long, babies require constant attention and care. So when they take naps you have to decide, “do I take a shower and actually wash my hair? Or do I do laundry? Or do I say f*ck it and take a nap since I only got like 5 hours of sleep last night?” I usually did laundry, cleaned, prepped food for later and got ready for the next round. I was lucky enough to have a mother’s helper (aka nanny). It is so much easier caring for twins when you have an extra pair of hands. On days when I had the helper, I would take longer showers, deep condition my hair shave my legs, go running, cook, clean, etc. It was also nice to have some adult interaction. When taking care of children constantly you don’t pay much attention to your appearance. We stayed home for the most part during the first couple of months because it was just too difficult getting out of the house between naps and colicky times. I had no reason to get pretty in the morning nor did I have the time (babies don’t wait while you do your makeup, they scream at you, until you give them food). I felt like a slob for the majority of the early baby-rearing period. I wore yoga pants, yoga shorts, tank tops, comfy clothes, my hair was always in a messy top knot and makeup was very very seldom. I did not feel sexy.
- Mom mentality…As a mom your number one priority is your children, attending to their needs, doing the best you can to be a “good mom” and it’s hard work. You don’t really think about your own needs or that of your husband/partner. The mom mentality does not incorporate sexiness into well-being nor does it include sex into the daily (weekly) routine. You simply don’t feel sexy. Motherhood, in general, is not considered sexy either. A mom is viewed as nurturing, loving, caring, kind….NOT SEXY. If sometimes I did dress up and get all fancy for a date night, I refused to wear anything sexy or revealing. That mom mentality kept telling me that moms shouldn’t wear sexy things, moms shouldn’t even feel sexy, I just felt that it was wrong for a mom to feel sexy. How f*cked up is that! When we would go out in public I constantly told myself that no one thinks I’m hot. I’m a mom how could they. This thinking killed my self-esteem
What I learned….
My twinkies will be four in May. Although they are still little, they are a lot more independent. I can now take a shower while they watch tv or play on the Ipad (Yes, I allow my children to watch tv and play on IPad, and yes I know the research that explains how detrimental exposing young children to media can be. Let’s be realistic though, how else am I supposed to care for myself and the remainder of my responsibilities? If you have an anti-media household, I applaud you, I really do, I just can’t get any time to myself without it.)
I’m an easy-going parent. When my kids were babies, I kept them on a pretty strict schedule, so that they knew and I knew when naptime was, when food time was, when night night time was. I kept them on the same schedule so that I would get at least an hour or two to myself between sleep time. I never really took advantage of this time for myself, I usually did chores. As my kids got older, I became less schedule obsessed. I let naps slide, I would just go with the flow of the day, which depended on their moods. I let them get dirty, explore, and make messes… that’s how children learn… through exploring their environments.
I became more selfish. I started taking more time for myself. I went back to school to work on my undergrad. I started regularly exercising. I would encourage my husband to entertain them while I did what I needed to do to feel like myself again. I enjoyed the occasional bath. When I was home alone with my kids and I needed to do something (workout) I would give them an Ipad for the 45 mins and hit the elliptical, do strength training, and sometimes yoga. I encouraged my husband to participate. Sometimes they would do yoga with me and my one daughter always stretches with me. I stopped feeling guilty about taking time for myself and I felt more at peace.
How to feel sexy when you’re a mom…
Take care of your body from head to toe. Wash your hair (or use dry shampoo to fake wash), shave (hairy pits are gross), incorporate a proper skincare routine (2x a day cleanse, tone, moisturize; once a week scrub and put on a face mask while you take a bath). Keep your nails clean and at least shaped. This kind of sh*t is just basic, but I understand it’s time-consuming. I feel ya, but how are you supposed to feel sexy when you smell like BO.
Seriously, though. I was never into physical fitness until recently. It makes me feel more emotionally balanced as I release my anger and frustrations. I sleep better. I look better as my fat turns into muscle and I lean out. My skin looks better. I look healthier.
Wear some sexy panties dammit! Lace is your new BFF! A matching lace bra wouldn’t hurt either. Lace shouts SEXY! Wear your sexiest panties every day even if no one else sees them, they will make you feel sexy. Go to VS and treat yourself with some new stuff. VS always makes me feel sexy. Trust me your partner will not argue.
Wear figure flattering clothing, not slutty or revealing. It’s much sexier wearing something that hugs your curves than something that shows your curves. It’s good to leave a little to the imagination. I am no fashionista. I wear simple clothes that make me look good thus make me feel good. I went through my closet and literally got rid of everything that DID NOT make me feel good or happy. Do it, trust me you will feel better when deciding what to wear when your options are limited only to things that make you feel good.
Stop wearing workout clothes when you don’t intend to workout, meaning cut the daily yoga pant routine. I know yoga pants are comfy. I wore them every single day for a few years haha. Stop doing it. Yoga pants don’t make you look sexy or feel sexy really. They make you feel comfy and lazy. You will feel much more “put-together” if you throw on a pair of jeans instead, really that’s all it takes.
Yup, I’m telling you to masturbate. It’s good for you. When you orgasm your body releases all those feel good neurotransmitters such as dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins that improve your mood. MAGIC! When you do sexy things, you feel sexy and there’s nothing sexier than a woman pleasuring herself. So the next time your kids are taking a nap or are at school or out on a date with dad….grab that lonely vibrator and reintroduce it to your vagina. I do this in the closet… with a locked door, out of sight just in case children/husband decide to walk in.
Go on vacations regularly…
…if possible…without children. I know vacations could get pricey and trust me I know how difficult it is to arrange childcare and all other responsibilities, but do it, at least once a year. Take a break from daily responsibilities and from that mom mentality. Spend some time either by yourself, your partner, a friend, or a family member. Simply reconnect with the other people in your life that you cherish. Maybe plan a romantic getaway with your partner. Maybe go on a cruise. We personally love cruises. It’s like being in a traveling resort. Royal Caribbean is the one I would choose.
Ideally, I would recommend something that takes you out of your comfort zone, like a nudist/swingers resort (I’m not kidding, just came back from one, and we had such a good time that we are planning our next trip). It doesn’t have to be that wild, though, you could always just spend a weekend at a hotel nearby and visit a strip club, maybe watch some porn, go lingerie shopping, w/e gets you in the mood. The point is to get out of your parental role and get back in touch with being a woman, a woman with desires…a woman worth of sexual pleasures/satisfactions.
Now go get your sexy on!