How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex
No matter how long you’ve been with your current partner, there is always one subject that causes at least some discomfort: sex. Talking about sex, for some reason is always awkward even for me. Only recently did I start to become more open about it. With my partners in the past, I might have mentioned a few things here and there, but we never really made it into a proper discussion.
Reasons why people (including myself) fear the sex talk with partners.
- We have yet to fully understand our sexualities, our preferences, our kinks etc ourselves.
- We are embarrassed/ashamed of our sexual kinks and urges.
- We fear our partner will judge us and potentially run!
- We just don’t know how to bring it up.
And these are just a few common explanations. Other factors such as religion, society, and personality style may also influence our fears regarding the sex talk. However, I don’t think that people actually realize the importance of the sex talk. We talk about every other problematic issue including finances, family, children, politics, religion, food (yup this one could be problematic when deciding where to eat. Lol), etc. Yet we leave out the very thing that bonds us as couples: sexual intimacy.
So why is it important to talk to your partner about sex? Well, think about how important sex is in a relationship. Sex physically and mentally connects us as individuals as we share our bodies and minds with our partners. Sex is so important that it is one of the main reasons why many marriages end in divorce. Sexual incompatibility and adultery are some of the more specific sex related reasons for divorce. I also don’t think anyone wants to be in a sexless marriage.
More specifically, when the topic of sex is avoided, one or both partners may be sexually unsatisfied. When people are not sexually satisfied, they may end up cheating both physically and emotionally simply because their desires are not being fulfilled.
For example, let’s say you’re craving strawberry cheesecake (my favorite!). Your partner brings you apple-pie, a brownie, and ice cream. Are you truly satisfied with these options? Hell no, I would want that cheesecake! So, what do you do? Well, you probably just thank your partner, suck it up, and try to enjoy the sub-par dessert presented in front of you. But what if this happens repeatedly and every time you crave cheesecake, you just can’t seem to get your hand on it. Personally, this would cause some psychological agony for me. I would eventually just go out and find some cheesecake on my own, searching far and wide for that perfect slice of heaven.
Sexual desires are just like cheesecake. Yes, I am comparing sex to cheesecake because both are orgasmic. When you’re not sexually satisfied with your partner you have two choices: make it work or move on and by “making it work” I’m saying you have to address the issue and not ignore it for your own sake.
How exactly do you address the issue?
Head on my friend, head on. Just rip off the band aid and get it over with. A little liquid courage might help, but there really is no other way. A little heads up to your partner could also be beneficial and therefore produce better outcomes. Give them a day or two in advance so they have some time for introspection, to think about what they like, don’t like, crave, or would change regarding sex. Perhaps, you can both take a survey or complete a checklist/worksheet that can help you prepare for the talk such as:
Here’s a link to an awesome downloadable PDF worksheet: click here.
And here’s yet another (scroll to the bottom of the article for PDF): click here.
So the day before the talk say something like, “Tomorrow after dinner, I would like to discuss something with you that will probably be uncomfortable for both of us. We’re gonna talk about sex. Don’t freak out, it will be just a regular talk.”
Important Topics to Cover
- Specific kinks/fetishes- Click here for my Intro to Fetishes post.
- Physical acts that turn you on- ex: kissing your neck, sucking on your nipples, anal
- Non-physical things that turn you on- ex: commands, talking dirty, humiliation
- Turn offs
- What do you need to come
- Bad past experiences
- STD’s (this one should be obvious)
In conclusion, no matter how much you and your partner love and care for one another, without sexual intimacy, you’re basically just really good friends. So just get it over with, embrace your sexuality with all its kinks and abnormalities. You may be surprised that your partner is probably very accepting and perhaps excited about your fantasies ;).